Shamed star John Barrowman has revealed how he contemplated suicide after he was caught up in an X-rated scandal that he feared had ruined his career. The actor believed he had been “cancelled” after stories about his on-set behaviour cost him his job as a judge on Dancing On Ice and made him persona non grata with many of his former friends in the industry. Now the star - who was forced to abandon his own tour due to poor ticket sales last year - has revealed the severity of his mental torment following what he still maintains was a foolish prank.
It comes as he is bracing for fresh abuse due to his upcoming appearance on Celebrity SAS Who Dares Wins this Sunday, where viewers will see him quit the gruelling show, which was filmed last year, after just three hours. Speaking exclusively about his three years of hell, the former I’m A Celebrity favourite, John, 57, admits he not only thought about taking his own life, he had also planned how he’d do it.
He says: “I had thoughts of suicide, going out and trying to do certain things and harm myself, and a couple of times debating how I was going to kill myself. It was only the thought of the heartbreak it would cause his parents and husband Scott Gill, that John thought better of it. The thing was I couldn’t do it because of my family and friends,” says John.
Not that he felt everyone had supported him as much as he might have liked. “I lost a lot of trust in other people after what I went through because people that I thought would’ve been there for me, ran,” he says. “And a lot of them put themselves on the moral high ground and, to be honest with you, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
“The sad fact is not every one of them was toxic, they were just chicken st. They’re scared. They’re so scared of their own shadows and what they have done that they’re trying to protect themselves. I’ve always been there for people. No matter if you come to me and I might not have seen you in five to 10 years and you need help with something, I’m there to help you. And that was the big realisation: a lot of people don’t give a st.”
John’s backstage behaviour was put under the spotlight in 2021. He insists: “Something that was a stupid prank that was done amongst cast members and who the cast members never complained, never said anything about, but a narrative was created that apparently I was going around and throwing my c**k on people’s shoulders, which was not true. We had pranks, but they were amongst the company members and we all laughed and had fun. I was being, in a sense, publicly punished and humiliated for those things and also being cancelled.”
Getting emotional, John added: “The one thing that I would never do in my life, and it makes me upset thinking about this, is that people would think I would harm a woman, that I would do something. And to be called a sexual harasser, I would never do anything to harm a woman or a man or anybody, transgender, you name it. That’s just not who this man is.”
Whatever people think the impact it had on John is clear. TV work had dried up so when the opportunity came up to take part in Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, John’s management said it was a chance for him to reveal what he’d been through.
But John admits he needed to “direct the anger” that had been building up inside of him. He said: “I know this sounds really stupid and bizarre, but understand that I’ve seen therapists, I’ve talked to people, and my thought process going in is maybe I was trying to prove something. Part of it was to let people understand my side of my story in a way and to help direct the anger that I had, or the upset that I had for what I had gone through.”
Facing the Demons
Filmed in New Zealand last summer, the new series sees John join stars including broadcaster Rachel Johnson, TV presenter Cherry Healy, Strictly star Pete Wicks, former England rugby captain Chris Robshaw and Bianca Gascoigne. Last night stories emerged that John quit the show after just three hours when being shown the accommodation in which he was expected to be staying, with many people saying he didn’t even try a challenge. However John points out they were put through their paces by Mark ‘Billy’ Billingham before they even arrived at the base camp.
Each celeb had to walk across two bars 300 feet above a ravine. “There is nothing beneath you except two guys in a boat in case you do fall,” explains John. “And you hit the ground and you drown in the water.” But he reveals it wasn’t the challenge itself but the coming face to face with the former soldiers and their screaming antics, which made him think he’d made a mistake signing up for the show.
He said: “The DS started shouting things at you like, ‘You’re nothing. You don’t know who you are, and you can’t do this and you’re going to learn a lot about yourself.’ And through the process, I kept thinking to myself, ‘I know exactly who I am’. I came out of the closet when I was in my twenties before loads of people even did. I know who John Barrowman is. Why am I letting these men shout at me to tell me that I don’t know who I am? And then I kept thinking, ‘have I made a mistake?’ So there was an inner dialogue going through my head the whole time thinking, ‘stick it out, it’ll be fine and we’ll see what happens next’.”
Learning to Move On
A few hours later he decided to come home. And he knows some fans watching at home might have a lot to say about that. He said: “Because of the industry that we are in, there is going to be some backlash. I am going to take a whipping from people. However dramatic the exit was, it was something that you have to be true to yourself and honest with yourself when you’re doing it. And unfortunately, the show missed out on more stuff that I might’ve done, but I got myself back.”
John says taking part on the show was a turning point for him and made him realise that he needed to cut toxic people out of his life, and if casting directors weren’t going to come to him with work, he’d create his own opportunities. It’s why he’s going back out on a UK tour next month with his own show, Laid Bare, and he says he’s determined to appreciate the important things in his life.
John explains: “It’s me and a piano, I’ll be singing and telling stories. If people aren’t going to come to me with work, I’m going to create my own. I’ve always done that.” He knows he’s still a long way from being “uncancelled” in the eyes of the wider public. But is trying to focus on what he does have.
“I’ve got a great husband, I’ve got three great dogs. My mum and dad live with us now because of their age and health. I’m fortunate that I’m able to take care of them,” he says. “I’m fortunate that I’m able to look after my family, and I’m also fortunate that I have a brain and am still physical, so that I can still create work for myself. So that’s what I’m doing.”
Finding Light Amidst the Shadows
If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal or worrying thoughts, call the Samaritans anytim day or night, seven days a week on 116 123. If you need urgent help or are in a mental health crisis call 999 immediately. For more about the signs and how to get support visit samaritans.org
